November is a terrific month for families. We can snuggle on the couch with good books and hot cider, or take long walks together with crunchy leaves beneath our feet. And of course there’s that turkeylicious feast awaiting us in the U.S. on the fourth Thursday. November is also National Adoption Month, the time of year that adopted families celebrate the special way their families have been formed. Child advocates take this opportunity to remind us that many children throughout our country and all over the world still need families.
I’d like to mark National Adoption Month by encouraging children’s literature lovers to promote adoption themed books for all kids. First, a disclosure statement: I’m a mom and stepmom with six children, including two adopted children from Korea. I’m also the author of Kimchi & Calamari (HarperCollins Publishers, 2007), which features an adopted protagonist. But before this sounds like a "For Adoptees Only" booktalk, timeout for a demographic reality check.
According to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption (As in the late Dave Thomas from Wendy’s restaurants, who was himself adopted), nearly two thirds of Americans have personal experiences with adoption, meaning that someone in their family or among their close friends has been adopted, has adopted, or has placed a child for adoption. Approximately seven million adult Americans are adopted, and more than 120,000 new adoptions will be finalized by the year’s end. PaperTigers fans will note that the Pacific Rim and South Asia region accounts for the majority of new adoptions.
Even more important than the numbers though, are the families represented. Have you been to a school event lately? Families aren’t all mom-dad-and-look-alike kids anymore. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, approximately 37 million of 84 million school-aged children in America today are growing up in nontraditional households. Adoption is in this mix of families that includes single parent, divorced, step, foster, multi-racial, gay parent, and families headed by grandparents. By better understanding adoption, we gain more understanding of many families. And even if our children (or students) are not adopted, they will be with adopted kids in the classroom, on the playground, and at sleepovers.
So we’re all touched by adoption, but that doesn’t mean we all "get it." Misperceptions about adoption still abound -- how the process works, where children “come from,” and how being adopted affects kids’ lives. We can, in part, blame history and the media. While adoption dates back to ancient times, it’s been shrouded in stigma and secrecy. Only a few decades ago, some parents hid the fact that their children were adopted -- even from their children. And TV, movies, and cartoons often present adoption with child-snatching plots and adoptees as troubled. Fortunately, typical adoptive life does not reflect TV. Adoption is more open today, too, with most adoptive families proud of their family origins.
In reality, there is great news to report about adoption. Studies show that adopted children live very satisfying lives. Yes, they reflect on their identities and they understandably grieve loss, but they cope -- and achieve. Children adopted in infancy do as well as non-adopted children on measures related to mental health. Adopted teenagers are at least average on every dimension of achievement, and are above average on most.
In school accomplishments and plans for the future, adopted kids are in at least as good shape as the average kid their age. Finally, adoptees tend to see themselves as more in control of their lives and have more confidence in their judgment than do their nonadopted peers. They also tend to view life more positively and see their parents as more nurturing. (For these and other adoption statistics, visit The Adoption Information Institute's website.)
Why clarify these misperceptions? Because many children are still waiting for loving homes, and unless we address the barriers against adoption, they might not get them. Research on pregnant teens suggests that they get their adoption information from the media’s sensationalized reports, which hardly encourage adoption plans. And birthparents who are often ill prepared for parenting report that they get intense criticism from society for considering adoption.
As a children’s book author, I visit schools to discuss my book, Kimchi & Calamari. Since the story features a wisecracking adopted boy, we talk about how Joseph half-jokingly describes himself as an “ethnic sandwich” -- Korean on the outside, Italian on the inside, and some days, the other way around. This theme of feeling sandwiched connects with many children and they eagerly raise their hands, wanting to share their experiences and also what they know about adoption. I have learned to listen carefully but then clarify their perceptions. One sweet-faced fourth-grader with ponytails told me that adoption meant “you come from a dirty orphanage because nobody loves you.” A freckle-faced middle-school boy said that adoption was “when movie stars take planes to faraway places to find cool looking babies.” I take a deep breath before responding, and remind myself that the words they utter reflect images and stereotypes that have been passed on to them. Though misguided, they are, in fact, mostly curious. I try to present adoption as what it really is: not a “problem”, but a means of forming a family.
CS Lewis once wrote, “We read to know we are not alone.” Adopted children benefit greatly from reading books that present characters who are adopted like them. These book characters can express thoughts and feelings like the reader has . They can also offer ideas for coping with situations. For transracial and/or international adoptees, some adoption books offer cultural information. Non-adopted kids benefit big-time too, by gaining insight to the adoptive experience of their friends and classmates. In fact, thoughtful adoption tales can educate us all -- adopted or not, child or adult -- on the experience of being adopted.
So what makes a “good” adoption book? A good story is a good story, but a well developed adoption story introduces a three-dimensional adoptive character. Being adopted is a significant part of the character’s identity, but not the entirety of it. Feelings, thoughts and situations are addressed in a way that feels realistic for adoptees, and even if all is not solved by the end, there is hope.
This month, as I read adoption books with my family, I give thanks for all in the adoption triad: birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. I’m also grateful for the authors who write the stories, and the counselors and educators who make the effort to understand adoption and help others understand it too.
Happy Adoption Month to one and all!
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Three Cheers For Adoption Books – And Why We All Should Read 'Em
