Kathy Beckwith is a mediation trainer working with schools (K-12) and community groups. She is the author of Playing War, winner of a Skipping Stones Honor Award. For the past 16 years Kathy has been helping children and adults build conflict resolution and peacemaking skills. She lives in Dayton, Oregon.

Playing War

Kids always challenge me to think. A very big challenge came one day in the form of a camouflage-clad neighbor boy, whom I like very much. He told me, “I wish they had a war for children, a real one.” Later that week another child, also dressed in camouflage attire, asked me if I knew where he could get some pants to match his shirt and hat, because he wanted "to be in a war." I wondered at that moment how many other children thought war was fun, and I knew, right there and then, that we adults had let the children down. We had not told them the truth about war: that it is not a game, but a real, devastating tragedy that affects families just like theirs.

Children deserve the truth, so they can consider what they want to do in its light. That was my challenge when I set out to write Playing War.

Playing War, beautifully illustrated by Lea Lyon, is the story of a group of children who love to divide into Soldiers and Enemies to “play war”… that is, until they meet Sameer, a new neighbor who has lost his family in a real war. Their empathy for Sameer helps them to see their game in a new light and to decide on other ways to play together.

I had many hopes for Playing War. I hoped it would spark curiosity about Sameer, his family, and his situation. I wanted children who read it to wonder if it matters how they play. I wanted adults who share Playing War with children to encourage questions and consider the curiosity and empathy modeled by the book’s characters. After receiving feedback from teachers, parents, and the kids themselves, I am delighted to say that the book seems to have lived up to the challenge.

An elementary school counselor told me she uses Playing War in her third grade unit on peacemaking. She said, “Many kids think that war is a fun video game. Reading Playing War's powerful story has helped my students understand that war is real and tragic.”

A child, having just had Playing War read to him, said, “Actually, I wouldn’t want to play war at all after I hear that!”

Learning to get along

I didn’t want the challenge of my story to end with war, though. I also wanted it to spark questions about how we can get along, and about peace. I wanted kids to wonder what they could do to make a little difference for good, now.

I work with students in conflict resolution and peacemaking. In each training I do, with all ages, I read one of the many amazing picture books that stir imagination and expand awareness of things that work for peace (we mustn’t forget the power of words and pictures to bring a story to life and inspire). I also play games with the students that help us discover truths about conflict, skills, and ourselves. And then we learn to mediate.

Amazing things happen in peer mediation. I see children in action, empathizing with each other, reaching out, working together to find creative solutions to hard problems. They learn in their role as student mediators (as do the students coming to mediation with a problem) skills that will serve them well as adults – in relationships, at work, in life. And though at first the children don’t always remember to use these skills outside the mediation room, they gradually become a part of their lives.

When the idea for Playing War came to me, I modeled my characters after the real kids I work with. I knew that if I let them encounter the truth, they would come to the realization on their own that war isn't a game, and in doing so, they would be changed.

Accepting the challenge

But kids can’t do it all on their own. So, my challenge extends to adults the world over. I challenge them to provide for children – at school and at home – books or stories of peacemaking, as well as opportunities to take part in processes for resolving conflict constructively, whether it be through peer mediation, class or family meetings, role-playing, or simply ”talking it over.” I challenge adults to be truthful with kids. And I challenge them to model the peacemaking and conflict-resolution skills they want their children to learn and use. Kids watch us carefully and they pay attention at what we do. Do we live out the things we believe in and know to be important – working for justice, living more simply, building good relationships, dealing with our emotions, learning to listen, apologizing and making amends? I am a firm believer that, when kids are given the example, the tools, and the opportunity, amazing things happen!

For those looking for resources, book suggestions and activities related to Playing War and its theme, I suggest checking out this page on Tilbury House’s website. It should provide plenty of inspiration for children and adults alike to play better, communicate better, and live lives free of violence.

Life brings many opportunities to promote peace and to help make war unnecessary. May our eyes open wider to see them and our hearts accept the challenge.

Posted November 2008